Eyes of Blue
by BRUCAS123
Summary: She can clearly remember thinking that he was the man she wanted to marry one day the first time she looked into his eyes. Yes, the crystal blue in them inspired her. She thought that her maid of honor could wear periwinkle and the flowers would match.


AN: This is my first shot at writing. It's very AU. I'm dedicating it to my girls at FF who've given me the strength to post it. I love you all so much.

Summary: She can clearly remember thinking that he was the man she wanted to marry one day the first time she looked into his eyes. Yes, the crystal blue in them inspired her. She thought that her maid of honor could wear periwinkle and the flowers would match. She dreamed a whole life for them. AU BL.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters are Mark's babies. The title and lyrics are by Paul Carrack.

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They met before they were teenagers. Before their hormones ever raced for someone of the opposite sex. Before she experienced what her mother referred to as "womanly problems" or he let every ounce of puberty take over his brain. Yet she can clearly remember thinking that he was the man she wanted to marry one day the first time she looked into his eyes. Yes, the crystal blue in them inspired her. She thought that her maid of honor could wear periwinkle and the flowers would match. She dreamed a whole life for them. All before she even said hello.

They became the best of friends from the start. There was nothing she didn't know about him. He told her about his parents' screwed up relationship. She offered him hope by telling him of her parents' woes and triumphs. He told her how incapable he always felt. She did everything to make him feel good. They went on like this, her with a crush and him oblivious to it, for all of middle school and most of their high school years. She had a steady relationship or so she thought and he drifted from one girl to the next but they were each others' rock. That never changed.

One day after her heart had been broken; he asked if they could go out, as friends. He wanted her to feel better. He kissed her that night. And everything changed. They went from the best of friends to inseparable. He took all of her time and she took his. Love found them. She found that dream from all those years ago. She found herself lost in it. Trapped in it. She wanted that wedding, those flowers, the kids, and the house. She wanted it with him. They talked about it. He promised her it. He promised her that one day soon they'd have it all together. They wouldn't be like her parents who tried and failed and then tried again and were okay. They wouldn't be like his parents who never failed but were miserable none the less. They would be better. They'll never say divorce. They would be happy all the time and most importantly, they'd always love each other.

They rushed through school and got married on a beautiful spring day. It was as she dreamed it. Everything matched his eyes. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that she was doing the right thing. He was it. They were made for each other. It was always them. Love was always going to be enough. They were going to have it all. He promised. He always kept his promises.

It's a year later now and she's not happy everyday. She's not even happy every other day. Who knew so much could change in a year? She doesn't even feel like the same person. She's a shell of that person. She can see now why people get divorces. She works long hours. He works longer hours. He thinks he's giving her everything she wants but she just wants him. She needs him. She needs him to hold her like he used to. She needs him to kiss her like he used to. She just craves those beautiful blue eyes to look at her like they did when she was 17 and in her prom dress. When he looked at her like that, the whole world felt right. She doesn't think that he'll ever look at her that way again. What kills her is that she doesn't know when he stopped. Or what she did to make him stop.

When he says divorce, she cries. It's half hearted because she knows that everything he's saying is true but she doesn't want it to be. She wants that life. She wants her dream. And she still wants it with him. They talk for hours while she's supposed to be out with the girls. They're deciding how things are going to be split up and who is going to take over what bills. It's all very civilized. Too civilized she thinks. They are acting like robots with no feelings. She notices his eyes. They're icy blue, not the blue that she fell in love with.

_I want to know how does it feel_

_Behind those eyes of blue_

_You've made your mistakes_

_And now your heart aches_

She thinks about the conversation that they just had. They said words that they promised they'd never say. Never once, though, did they say they weren't in love. Yet they had decided that this was too hard. They didn't want to fight for it. They were done trying. Just like that. They discussed bills, living arrangements, and sex. She's thinking that she can't imagine a future without him in it. She's never tried. So she told him straight out that if she ever feels the need to have sex- she'll be coming to him. She doesn't think she'll want to have sex with other guys. Yet somewhere in her mind, she knows that there's a part of her that would love to do that. Go out and be irresponsible. Sleep around and maybe find the passion she's been longing for, for so long. She wonders how long it'll be like that. Her going to him when she wants him. A part of her wonders if he'll ever come to her and need to have her. It would prove that he wants her too and that it's not just one sided. She doesn't think that it's possible. He hasn't wanted her in a long time. It's been about obligation and the right thing. Want isn't in his vocabulary. Thus, she begs whenever she has a want.

_People may say you've had your chance_

_And let it slip away_

_But hard as they try_

_There's a dream that won't die_

When she's doing the dishes from their silent dinner, she starts to drift to their wedding, the dream that she had planned at age twelve. She remembers the day she found her wedding gown. It was only the fifth one she tried on but she knew immediately that nothing could compare. It made her look beautiful and that was what she was going for. When they picked the songs, he chose their dance. There was a line in the song about trying; he told her that that was all you could ask of someone. To try. The only promise that he could make was that he would always try. For the hundredth time this month, she wonders where that guy is. He promised he's always try and now he's just giving up. She has a realization that she's mad at him for breaking this promise. Not their vows, but the promise that he'd always try to make her feel happy and loved. She wants that man back. The day of their wedding, he stood up in front of everyone they knew and loved and said some of the most beautiful things she had ever heard and she felt lucky. Tonight, she feels like a fool. She thought she had won at life. Now she can see that there are no clear cut winners ever. You win some, you lose some. She decided a long time ago that, in this marriage, she was always going to be a loser, whether she stayed or left.

They are asleep that night when he wakes her up. He tells her that he wants her to stay there with him. He's been thinking about it and they should try to make it work. She smiles and agrees. It hasn't been long enough. They should try. In her mind, she's thinking that it will probably never work. She's proven right as he smiles like he's accomplished something and rolls away from her after kissing her on the cheek and saying thank you. He doesn't look at her like that anymore. He may never look at her like that again. And she doesn't know if she can live with him knowing that his eyes can grace her like that and yet they never do. She doesn't know how she's going to feel if one night they're at an office party and he looks upon someone else like that. She thinks that they're cheating each other of happiness. But she's going to stay anyway. She's going to stay until he doesn't want her and beg for those eyes that she fell in love with to come back. Because she loves him too much to go. And she thinks that he's probably thinking the same thing which makes her realize that this is a circle that she may just be trapped in forever.

Her best girlfriend calls the next day. She had made the mistake of calling and leaving a pleading message on her voicemail. Peyton tells her that she needs to just leave. This cycle is getting old for her already. She's tired of the late night calls and the messages with her best friend crying on the other line. She's always been there for her in her times of relationship woes. She needs someone now and she doesn't understand why Peyton can't get that. She can't go to Haley. The situation affects her too much. She's just as close, if not closer, to _him._ So Peyton needs to be there for her right now; she needs to understand that this is making her crazy. So she asks how she's supposed to leave if she's still in love with him. Peyton asks her if she's really in love with him or if she's in love with the idea she's always had of him. She doesn't answer. She can't. If she answers that, life might get so much more complicated. So she clears her throat and says in her clearest happy voice that she is such a drama queen and she's sorry for bothering her. She tells her not to worry about her and to go on with her busy day. When they hang up, she sits and cries for hours. Thank god she doesn't have to go anywhere for work today.

The next few weeks just fly by. Nothing changes. They go on with their busy lives. They still do the quiet dinners together and the pretend days out with his family like the perfectly happy couple. She can't hide from her family and so she decides to act busy and isolates herself from them. They'd know something was wrong and demand that she fix her marriage. Divorce is not acceptable. That's where this is headed. They both know that. So she takes on extra hours and delves into a life away from him. But he's never far away. They don't say divorce anymore, or try, or anything really. Not hello, not good-bye, not I love you or I hate you. They have sex, of course, but there are never any words. It's just silent. She is just left alone with her thoughts way too much. She wonders if he is thinking the way she is. Or if he's just a blank slate. He looks empty to her. His eyes give nothing away. They are devoid of any emotion and she wonders why she ever loved them to begin with. She thinks about her desire to have children with his eyes and she rules that out now. She doesn't want her child to be able to freeze a room with his eyes. She'd much prefer them to always be warm and welcoming. She's decided that blue isn't warm or welcoming anymore.

_Maybe once in a while_

_There's a trace of a smile_

_Behind those eyes of blue_

_But it's painfully clear_

_There's a river of tears_

_Behind those eyes of blue_

She's been nostalgic lately. Every photograph that has ever been taken of the two of them is out in her living room. They are spread all over the floor. There's one of senior year when they all rented a cabin in the woods. That was the best weekend ever. It was the weekend he told her that she'd always be his. Their graduation day, college, and their first apartment together, any memory they ever made was there right in front of her. All she had to do was choose one. And when she looks at the pictures and sees those happy faces she's wondering where she went wrong. She's decided that it has to be her. She can fix this. She just has to be determined enough to. She has to stop looking at it like a trap, an obligation. They can get through this.

_You know life is too short_

_For compromising_

_Take a hold of your dream_

_And realize it_

When he walks in she's looking through their wedding album, mesmerized by his perfect eyes. She looks up and his eyes are the same. They aren't cold or vacant at all. For the first time in months, they're welcoming, soft even. And so she says, "I know we can get through this, Lucas."

He smiles, pauses, and then nods, "I just needed to hear you say it, Brooke. I'll always love you. We can do this. Let's try together now."

She knows that the two of them can accomplish anything together. She declares that she loves him too. In her heart, she sees their future again, complete with a few little blue-eyed babies. The first of which will be here sometime in the next seven months. She'll tell him over dinner.

_You know there's nothing left_

_To stand in your way_

_Except yourself and I know_

_Though your hearts full of pain_

_That a hope still remains_

_Behind those eyes of blue_

_--_

So what did you all think for my first time out? Let me know please!


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